Wednesday, July 2, 2014

34 days that changed the world

Eric, Finn & my hands on Kaia's urn. Photo by Shannon Miller Creative.

It was 5 years ago this minute, 10:02pm, that they pronounced my daughter "dead". She had passed before that. I saw it. But this was the minute they stopped trying to resuscitate her.

"DEAD".

I loathe that word so much, you will never see me use it without quotation marks.

I'm not here to talk about sadness. This is not a sad blog, and I will never write a sad post. I'm here to talk about life and energy and movement.

Kaia Belle Urban
My first daughter's name is Kaia Belle Urban. She was born May 30, 2009, and was the prettiest baby you ever did see. She moved on on July 2, 2009.  We found out Kaia had a massive heart defect, known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, when she was 3 days old. This defect would require a minimum of 3 open heart surgeries just for her to survive...possibly survive. She passed 3 weeks after her first surgery. She had 34 days here on this earth. 34. And what she did with that 34 days will blow my mind forever. So many lives changed. I still hear from people who have her picture up on their fridge or office. She inspired so many.

My life teetered on change years before that, but stuff got in the way. There were too many parties, too much fun and too little responsibility to ACTUALLY change. I wasn't very valuable to myself or to others. When my daughter was born, my self-centered life finally, permanently changed. Watching her struggles made every other struggle in the world seem so insignificant. It made all the drama that I used to allow in seem insignificant too. She opened my eyes and made me see the world for what it is supposed to be. Love. Everything comes from love. Everything is centered in love. And everything is meant to radiate love. Anything that is not love is false. The only thing true is love.

Being witness to her fight to live showed me that I hadn't really been living all these years. I simply had been surviving. I worked too much and took everything for granted. Everything. I took the next 3.5 years to simply change. I changed my thought processes. I changed my job. I changed my habits. I changed my diet. I changed every cell of myself from inside to the outside. I owed it to her and to the children I planned to have as soon as I could.

During this time of change, I began to see life differently. I read (and reread) The Power Of Now. I began practicing yoga regularly in a studio setting. I allowed myself to cry through my practices. I learned how to be gentle with myself while I was in retraining. It took 30 some years to become damaged. Those layers take time to peel away. When I started seeing life differently, I also started seeing "death" differently too.

What is "death"?


death
deTH
noun
  1. the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism.


Hmmm, if this definition is correct, then why and how do I feel her life still all around me? Her body is now a pile of ashes, but, if I'm not my body, then she wasn't either. Our bodies are a house for what we truly are. If your house burnt to the ground, you wouldn't be "dead". You'd simply find another house. In fact, the great Albert Einstein said, "Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be changed from one form to another." It was that quote that did it for me. She was not "dead". In fact, there is no such thing. Every living thing is energy. Therefore, nothing can "die". If nothing can "die" then there is no "death". It's a farce.

If there is no death, then why is there grieving? Why do I still grieve in moments? I felt a bit selfish in my intense grieving periods. I knew Kaia was in a much happier place with lots of glitter and sparkles. "Heart defects" were non-existant where she went. I dove into my grieving and noticed the parts that I was sad about. I was sad that she had to go through so much bodily pain. And I was sad to not be able to see that beautiful face again, while I was left in my physical body. But I was proud. I am proud. I proudly am mother to a girl who changed the world in 34 days. I've never seen such strength as I did with that newborn. People always say I am strong. But I'm nothing compared to her. I believe that some get to move to the good part ... the afterlife ... sooner than others. As soon as our work here is done, we get to move on. And move on, she did. She did some quick work, and many felt it. The ripples are still moving.

Anyone struggling with grief, know that I know your pain. I felt it. I lived through it. Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself a lot of love. But know that there is no such thing as death. There cannot be. So, we never lose anything except for the sight and sound of a loved one. But they are still very much there.

In life,
Stephanie

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful Lady, You are always in my heart and on my mind. Peace and love to you today and always, Rebecca

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  2. Beautiful. Much love to you and your adorable family.

    ReplyDelete