How to save the world.

I've often been misunderstood. It can feel very alienating, even from the people I'm closest to. Misunderstood ... That's an understatement. But I bet, if I asked 100 people, 100 people would say the same thing. Can we really all be misunderstood? Maybe it's us that misunderstands everything else. Maybe we don't have to. Let's dig in. Let's connect.

I took a long hard break from blogging. And I can't promise I'll get into it full-swing again. But, today I had a challenge, and I felt the need to write on the internet. Not in my journal, where it would stay nice and safe and protected. But out into the world of cyberspace and eventually into the hands that were meant to read the words. There are no coincidences. You and I are meeting on this page for a reason, and I embrace it and honor it.

A year and a half ago, I had a health crisis that I wasn't sure I'd make it out of. I don't talk much of it, and I am the only person who knows the depths of it. Because, it's not important now. What's important, is that it caused me to really search outside the box. I felt death gripping parts of my body, one by one. Nobody else took it seriously because they didn't understand, even doctors (dozens of them), so I kept it mostly inside. I became a hermit, and I quit my job. I couldn't do much of anything. I was too tired and in too much pain. When you feel your body dying, you know it. Out of desperation, I turned to fruit (and an angel on earth, Dr. Robert Morse) to save me. And that's where I began to find myself.

I went from this ... 

To this, in a matter of months. My face, neck and lymph nodes were swollen and oozing. I had no energy or life in me. 

Fruit vibrations heal!

Fruit is a vibration. Fact. It's full of life force and energy that can (and does) change your own vibration to begin to resonate at a level closer to nature. When we start vibrating closer to nature, we naturally heal. It's really that simple. Eating bowls of fruit was essentially performing surgery on my cells, organs and (eventually) my very soul. Fruit began a journey within myself that no other diet (raw vegan, paleo, ketogenic, SAD) was ever able to do. After 30 days of a fruit only diet, I regained all (plus some) of my strength, energy and vitality and most of my health. I found myself wanting nothing to do with television, Facebook, the news, or much else that the rest of the world was distracted in. There was no explanation for it. It just felt natural to listen to what I needed in this way. I went to bed with the sun and woke up with the sun. I turned off screens and turned inward. I wondered if I'd ever be able or willing to re-establish myself in society. Guided meditations became my go-to in every free moment. Eventually, I craved the silence. And silent meditation became my best friend. In a matter of months, I was able to close my eyes and instantly go inward to a place of peace, where I found I could connect with Source, the life-force for everything.


Raising my vibration became my obsession. It felt so good. But, like any obsession, it can overtake your life. Finding balance was my next goal. That's when I found the Isha Foundation and took their course in Inner Engineering. After 4 days of learning asanas and kriyas that opened blocked energies in me and allowed me to connect to the parts of me, I never knew existed, I felt alive and ready to integrate for the first time in so so long. It gave me the tools I needed to face others and to be okay with being misunderstood. I didn't feel the need to show a facade to the world. I stopped wearing make-up, bras and an attitude.

Issa Foundations Inner Engineering Program by Sadhguru. Life changing!

In mediation for 2 hours a day ... I kept going. The layers peeled off, as I slowly allowed myself to become who I truly am, a part of the divine energy that is all. No longer did I look at a tree and say "That's a tree." I began to look at a tree and feel it as an extension of myself, and myself as an extension of the tree. The grass under my feet felt as though it was part of my feet. That it was there to serve me and I was there to serve it. That we were an integral part of each other's existence. There was no me without it, there was no it without me. And that line didn't stop at grass. I became the clouds and birds and air and water and ... even the people I disagreed with. We were all one, just operating at different frequencies on the same plane.

The separation that keeps us all at war and battling others opinions on social media began to show itself to me. Rather, the "separation" began to drop away. And I realized that there is no separation that is there, other than what our ego places between us. Opinions that upset me became an experiential dive into myself. What inside myself is being triggered by the object upsetting my ego? And instead of fighting back (fight or flight was my absolute go-to for 40 years), I found I was repairing the very bits of myself that resisted others. To repair, you have to apologize, forgive, give love and be grateful. My approach to others who triggered me became this practice in my mind, "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." How people reacted to me changed. All my relationships improved. Not one single thing in my life changed, other than my reaction and understanding of and to all that surrounded me. My job hasn't changed, yet it's not a source of crippling stress anymore. My marriage is the same, yet my home is much happier. And I realize, all that exists is within myself. All that I touch, feel, hear and see is a manifestation of my own creation.

Just in giving myself love and allowing to finally dive into this connectivity, I have changed myself, my home, my work, my relationships. This self love has grown outside myself and onto others. And I now truly understand that the only way to improve this world, to heal it, to master it, to be one with it, to find peace in it, is to work on yourself in a loving, gentle and natural manner. When we allow the natural vibration of ourselves to break through the sociological conditioning of our ego, we become the essence of peace and love. Of course, high vibrational foods (lots of raw fruits, veggies, seeds, greens), sunshine, distilled water (decalcify that pineal) can and does move this along quite rapidly. Going vegan was the greatest gift I've ever given myself and the planet. Perhaps it wasn't even the fruit, and it was just going vegan that allowed me to connect so magically to this source energy and truthful existence. Regardless of what brought me to this place, I'm grateful. And gratitude manifests great change. And from here, we can alter the very existence of the entire planet, together.

I throw the best pity parties around.

Image available for purchase and copyright by Etsy artist outiart. Please see https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/166985724/small-seeds-of-love?ref=market for purchase.

Spoiler alert: Some days I really suck. 

Today I had a pity party. It started this morning when both of my kids decided to cry for two hours straight, which was a carryover from last night when they decided to cry for 3 hours straight. They were exhausted after a very long weekend and nothing could calm them… the sleep they got overnight, the hugs, the bribing, the threats ... nothing. It got to a point where I had to eventually just leave them safely in one room and go sit in another by myself to breathe. That was the finger that nudged the first domino, and the rest of the day I threw myself a pity party. 

     I felt bad for myself. It was the kind of day that, if I didn't have kids, I would've sat on the couch all day with a box of Kleenex, an entire bag of chocolate chips, a bottle … scratch that ... a magnum of wine, and zero agenda. I don't know why, but I still have those days where I trick myself into thinking that it feels really good to throw an all-day-long self-pity party (worse than a two-year-old). All day I pouted and whimpered. "Life is so hard right now.". "Why don't we have more money?".  "I can't even get groceries today.". I felt like such a failure. In my life B.C. (before children ... and husband), I made (by myself) twice as much money as were bringing in right now. I remember having these pity parties then too, and I was only ONE person. Now I wonder where all that money went and how we are living on a fraction of that with 4 people. Here's the gist of the string of thoughts that went in circles in my scattered head all day long: "I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go from here. Where can I go from here? Why aren't there more signs as to where to go? How can I even quiet my mind long enough to see any signs when I'm too stressfully busy with 2 kids, 2  businesses, freelancing jobs, housework & meal prep? It'll get better when the kids get bigger.  But will it?" I think I like to tell myself that sometimes ... "it will get easier when the kids get bigger", but in reality, what I really should be telling myself is, "it'll get better when I get bigger."

     As soon as my husband got home I left. I kind of had to. You know ... for my spirit. Have you ever had one of those days where you just can't wait to step away from your own life? Just for a minute? Just for a brief little breather that will hopefully bring you back to sanity? Well I took my brief little minute and ended up at Marc's. I left the stress at home to go to Marc's. I left one big frustration for a bigger frustration. Some of  you out-of-towners wouldn't know what Marc's is, but there are very few bigger frustrations than shopping there. It is a discount store full of groceries and everyday products and home goods, and it is a madhouse ... ALL. THE. TIME. But today it was a madhouse of a lesson. I walked in with my pocket of change, knowing I only had a certain amount to spend. I had to pick things up only to put things back down. Pick up another item ... put that back too. "Oh here comes the self pity party again", I thought. "I can't afford all this stuff I don't need at the cheapest store in town." Boo hoo. By golly, I was only there for organic sugar to brew some water kefir. But it wasn't the sugar that I was at Marc's for today, apparently. My good friend (and sometimes, adversary) universe had different plans.

     While I was at Marc's, I saw a woman with a baby. She was in front of me in the register line. I got sappy (and baby hungry) when I saw the little nugglet sleeping all snuggled up against his mommy. She was wearing him, and it always warms my heart to see a mom wearing her baby. She was humming and smiling and used WIC to buy her groceries. She seemed so grateful and content. And I was so proud to see what she bought: Lettuce, tomatoes, eggplant and fruit. Nothing was unhealthy. You don't see that a whole lot. Normally, when you're struggling financially, you try to make the dollar stretch and are forced to buy processed foods. I know this, and I completely understand. But there I was, trying to buy my box of lettuce and sugar with my pennies, just like she was, and I realized how lucky we both were to be able to buy anything healthy at all. Well played universe. I'm listening. Gratitude where gratitude is due. Thank you for my nutrient dense lettuce today.

The guy behind me was another lesson in the opposite direction. He was talking to a little boy about how he used to be single and the life of the party before he became a dad. And now that he's got a baby at home, he doesn't have any fun anymore. I couldn't imagine telling a little boy that a child changed my life from a ball of fun to a prison. Oh what that little boy must have felt. Did he feel like a burden? Did he lose some of his self worth? Uh oh, self-check … was my attitude today telling my children the same thing without literally saying it? Again universe, well played. Lesson #2 ... CHECK!

     This dichotomy in front of me and behind me moved me on the inside. I walked out of the store thinking, "How did I come here for sugar but left with such a blessed lesson? And gosh am I fortunate to even be gifted this lesson, in the first place, when I was such an asshole today.". When I got back to my car, I noticed that the truck I parked next to had a message on the window that said "Sow only seeds of love" right next to his Jack Johnson sticker. With a smile (and a feeling that this was the closure to my lesson), I said "Thanks buddy. I like Jack too. It's my favorite Pandora station." (that last part is irrelevant, but it's how my mind works). With that I realized that my entire day ... my entire day ... I did not do that. I did not sow seeds of love.  My seeds were of sadness, depression and stupidity. And it took a trip to the most annoying place in my world to make me realize that I am so blessed.

     For the rest of the day (and as long as I can remember this trip) I will try to replace my pity parties with thoughts of love. Because we really have to be careful what we're growing. We really have to be careful what we're growing, especially when we are growing our children alongside ourselves. I also realized that I am not the failure that I felt I was. If I'd have learned nothing, then I would have failed. But I'm still learning, yearning and listening … even through the chaos and the screams of my beautiful and amazing children.

And then it rained, washing all the yucky parts away.