How to save the world.

I've often been misunderstood. It can feel very alienating, even from the people I'm closest to. Misunderstood ... That's an understatement. But I bet, if I asked 100 people, 100 people would say the same thing. Can we really all be misunderstood? Maybe it's us that misunderstands everything else. Maybe we don't have to. Let's dig in. Let's connect.

I took a long hard break from blogging. And I can't promise I'll get into it full-swing again. But, today I had a challenge, and I felt the need to write on the internet. Not in my journal, where it would stay nice and safe and protected. But out into the world of cyberspace and eventually into the hands that were meant to read the words. There are no coincidences. You and I are meeting on this page for a reason, and I embrace it and honor it.

A year and a half ago, I had a health crisis that I wasn't sure I'd make it out of. I don't talk much of it, and I am the only person who knows the depths of it. Because, it's not important now. What's important, is that it caused me to really search outside the box. I felt death gripping parts of my body, one by one. Nobody else took it seriously because they didn't understand, even doctors (dozens of them), so I kept it mostly inside. I became a hermit, and I quit my job. I couldn't do much of anything. I was too tired and in too much pain. When you feel your body dying, you know it. Out of desperation, I turned to fruit (and an angel on earth, Dr. Robert Morse) to save me. And that's where I began to find myself.

I went from this ... 

To this, in a matter of months. My face, neck and lymph nodes were swollen and oozing. I had no energy or life in me. 

Fruit vibrations heal!

Fruit is a vibration. Fact. It's full of life force and energy that can (and does) change your own vibration to begin to resonate at a level closer to nature. When we start vibrating closer to nature, we naturally heal. It's really that simple. Eating bowls of fruit was essentially performing surgery on my cells, organs and (eventually) my very soul. Fruit began a journey within myself that no other diet (raw vegan, paleo, ketogenic, SAD) was ever able to do. After 30 days of a fruit only diet, I regained all (plus some) of my strength, energy and vitality and most of my health. I found myself wanting nothing to do with television, Facebook, the news, or much else that the rest of the world was distracted in. There was no explanation for it. It just felt natural to listen to what I needed in this way. I went to bed with the sun and woke up with the sun. I turned off screens and turned inward. I wondered if I'd ever be able or willing to re-establish myself in society. Guided meditations became my go-to in every free moment. Eventually, I craved the silence. And silent meditation became my best friend. In a matter of months, I was able to close my eyes and instantly go inward to a place of peace, where I found I could connect with Source, the life-force for everything.


Raising my vibration became my obsession. It felt so good. But, like any obsession, it can overtake your life. Finding balance was my next goal. That's when I found the Isha Foundation and took their course in Inner Engineering. After 4 days of learning asanas and kriyas that opened blocked energies in me and allowed me to connect to the parts of me, I never knew existed, I felt alive and ready to integrate for the first time in so so long. It gave me the tools I needed to face others and to be okay with being misunderstood. I didn't feel the need to show a facade to the world. I stopped wearing make-up, bras and an attitude.

Issa Foundations Inner Engineering Program by Sadhguru. Life changing!

In mediation for 2 hours a day ... I kept going. The layers peeled off, as I slowly allowed myself to become who I truly am, a part of the divine energy that is all. No longer did I look at a tree and say "That's a tree." I began to look at a tree and feel it as an extension of myself, and myself as an extension of the tree. The grass under my feet felt as though it was part of my feet. That it was there to serve me and I was there to serve it. That we were an integral part of each other's existence. There was no me without it, there was no it without me. And that line didn't stop at grass. I became the clouds and birds and air and water and ... even the people I disagreed with. We were all one, just operating at different frequencies on the same plane.

The separation that keeps us all at war and battling others opinions on social media began to show itself to me. Rather, the "separation" began to drop away. And I realized that there is no separation that is there, other than what our ego places between us. Opinions that upset me became an experiential dive into myself. What inside myself is being triggered by the object upsetting my ego? And instead of fighting back (fight or flight was my absolute go-to for 40 years), I found I was repairing the very bits of myself that resisted others. To repair, you have to apologize, forgive, give love and be grateful. My approach to others who triggered me became this practice in my mind, "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." How people reacted to me changed. All my relationships improved. Not one single thing in my life changed, other than my reaction and understanding of and to all that surrounded me. My job hasn't changed, yet it's not a source of crippling stress anymore. My marriage is the same, yet my home is much happier. And I realize, all that exists is within myself. All that I touch, feel, hear and see is a manifestation of my own creation.

Just in giving myself love and allowing to finally dive into this connectivity, I have changed myself, my home, my work, my relationships. This self love has grown outside myself and onto others. And I now truly understand that the only way to improve this world, to heal it, to master it, to be one with it, to find peace in it, is to work on yourself in a loving, gentle and natural manner. When we allow the natural vibration of ourselves to break through the sociological conditioning of our ego, we become the essence of peace and love. Of course, high vibrational foods (lots of raw fruits, veggies, seeds, greens), sunshine, distilled water (decalcify that pineal) can and does move this along quite rapidly. Going vegan was the greatest gift I've ever given myself and the planet. Perhaps it wasn't even the fruit, and it was just going vegan that allowed me to connect so magically to this source energy and truthful existence. Regardless of what brought me to this place, I'm grateful. And gratitude manifests great change. And from here, we can alter the very existence of the entire planet, together.

I throw the best pity parties around.

Image available for purchase and copyright by Etsy artist outiart. Please see https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/166985724/small-seeds-of-love?ref=market for purchase.

Spoiler alert: Some days I really suck. 

Today I had a pity party. It started this morning when both of my kids decided to cry for two hours straight, which was a carryover from last night when they decided to cry for 3 hours straight. They were exhausted after a very long weekend and nothing could calm them… the sleep they got overnight, the hugs, the bribing, the threats ... nothing. It got to a point where I had to eventually just leave them safely in one room and go sit in another by myself to breathe. That was the finger that nudged the first domino, and the rest of the day I threw myself a pity party. 

     I felt bad for myself. It was the kind of day that, if I didn't have kids, I would've sat on the couch all day with a box of Kleenex, an entire bag of chocolate chips, a bottle … scratch that ... a magnum of wine, and zero agenda. I don't know why, but I still have those days where I trick myself into thinking that it feels really good to throw an all-day-long self-pity party (worse than a two-year-old). All day I pouted and whimpered. "Life is so hard right now.". "Why don't we have more money?".  "I can't even get groceries today.". I felt like such a failure. In my life B.C. (before children ... and husband), I made (by myself) twice as much money as were bringing in right now. I remember having these pity parties then too, and I was only ONE person. Now I wonder where all that money went and how we are living on a fraction of that with 4 people. Here's the gist of the string of thoughts that went in circles in my scattered head all day long: "I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go from here. Where can I go from here? Why aren't there more signs as to where to go? How can I even quiet my mind long enough to see any signs when I'm too stressfully busy with 2 kids, 2  businesses, freelancing jobs, housework & meal prep? It'll get better when the kids get bigger.  But will it?" I think I like to tell myself that sometimes ... "it will get easier when the kids get bigger", but in reality, what I really should be telling myself is, "it'll get better when I get bigger."

     As soon as my husband got home I left. I kind of had to. You know ... for my spirit. Have you ever had one of those days where you just can't wait to step away from your own life? Just for a minute? Just for a brief little breather that will hopefully bring you back to sanity? Well I took my brief little minute and ended up at Marc's. I left the stress at home to go to Marc's. I left one big frustration for a bigger frustration. Some of  you out-of-towners wouldn't know what Marc's is, but there are very few bigger frustrations than shopping there. It is a discount store full of groceries and everyday products and home goods, and it is a madhouse ... ALL. THE. TIME. But today it was a madhouse of a lesson. I walked in with my pocket of change, knowing I only had a certain amount to spend. I had to pick things up only to put things back down. Pick up another item ... put that back too. "Oh here comes the self pity party again", I thought. "I can't afford all this stuff I don't need at the cheapest store in town." Boo hoo. By golly, I was only there for organic sugar to brew some water kefir. But it wasn't the sugar that I was at Marc's for today, apparently. My good friend (and sometimes, adversary) universe had different plans.

     While I was at Marc's, I saw a woman with a baby. She was in front of me in the register line. I got sappy (and baby hungry) when I saw the little nugglet sleeping all snuggled up against his mommy. She was wearing him, and it always warms my heart to see a mom wearing her baby. She was humming and smiling and used WIC to buy her groceries. She seemed so grateful and content. And I was so proud to see what she bought: Lettuce, tomatoes, eggplant and fruit. Nothing was unhealthy. You don't see that a whole lot. Normally, when you're struggling financially, you try to make the dollar stretch and are forced to buy processed foods. I know this, and I completely understand. But there I was, trying to buy my box of lettuce and sugar with my pennies, just like she was, and I realized how lucky we both were to be able to buy anything healthy at all. Well played universe. I'm listening. Gratitude where gratitude is due. Thank you for my nutrient dense lettuce today.

The guy behind me was another lesson in the opposite direction. He was talking to a little boy about how he used to be single and the life of the party before he became a dad. And now that he's got a baby at home, he doesn't have any fun anymore. I couldn't imagine telling a little boy that a child changed my life from a ball of fun to a prison. Oh what that little boy must have felt. Did he feel like a burden? Did he lose some of his self worth? Uh oh, self-check … was my attitude today telling my children the same thing without literally saying it? Again universe, well played. Lesson #2 ... CHECK!

     This dichotomy in front of me and behind me moved me on the inside. I walked out of the store thinking, "How did I come here for sugar but left with such a blessed lesson? And gosh am I fortunate to even be gifted this lesson, in the first place, when I was such an asshole today.". When I got back to my car, I noticed that the truck I parked next to had a message on the window that said "Sow only seeds of love" right next to his Jack Johnson sticker. With a smile (and a feeling that this was the closure to my lesson), I said "Thanks buddy. I like Jack too. It's my favorite Pandora station." (that last part is irrelevant, but it's how my mind works). With that I realized that my entire day ... my entire day ... I did not do that. I did not sow seeds of love.  My seeds were of sadness, depression and stupidity. And it took a trip to the most annoying place in my world to make me realize that I am so blessed.

     For the rest of the day (and as long as I can remember this trip) I will try to replace my pity parties with thoughts of love. Because we really have to be careful what we're growing. We really have to be careful what we're growing, especially when we are growing our children alongside ourselves. I also realized that I am not the failure that I felt I was. If I'd have learned nothing, then I would have failed. But I'm still learning, yearning and listening … even through the chaos and the screams of my beautiful and amazing children.

And then it rained, washing all the yucky parts away. 

Lucky you.

You woke up today. You're breathing. Your kids are alive. You're alive. You have a place to live. You have enough food to sustain you. You are free. You are loved. You are.

I wake up almost every day thinking this same thing. It's part of my life practice.

I have this dear friend who has seen me in bitter days ... the days shortly after losing my daughter ... the days after losing my job ... the days after losing my flipping mind ... and she always said I had emotional work to do. I had pain I had to let go and work through. In the immediate moment when those words escaped her mouth, I wanted to punch her in hers. I wanted to think I had it all together and that I was not a mess or struggling or anything abnormal. I wanted to think that I was fine. I wanted to think it so bad that I truly thought I was. But how could I be? I had 36 years of stuff I had to release. I had never released anything. Nothing. In my whole life, I never released a damn thing. Now my daughter just passed away, and I lost my job to some strangers in India. I spent most of my 20s and early 30s partying way too much to know anything was wrong...until I did notice. I was confused as to who I was and who I was meant to be. And now I have emotional work? Emotional work .... what the hell is that? I had no idea. But I was about to find out.

In the days surrounding my daughter's open heart surgery, I had a lot of family struggles. It was almost as hard on me as my daughter's heart defect was. Then I met this friend (you know...the one I wanted to punch), and she changed my life. Lots of people changed my life, but this is where I feel there was a true definitive turning point. For some reason, I talked to her. I talked to her like she was a therapist. I felt like she was a soul sister. I went to her place of business to find a job, and I left with a life change (and a job!). In a time where I lost my first child, didn't feel like I could talk to many of my "friends", struggled with family issues, and didn't know why the hell this happened to me; I turned to a stranger. That stranger is now one of my greatest friends and allies.

Sometimes things happen that make no sense. And sometimes the sense comes later. But during the journey, we meet people. You never know when or where they are going to show up, and they often show up at the least expected times. But they show. You know why? Because you have a path. Because I have a path. And our paths are meant to cross exactly when they finally do.

I spent 3 years emotionally releasing. I meditated. I practiced yoga (and cried in savasana almost every time). I saw healers and reiki masters. I didn't talk to many people. I just released. Ugh. Pain came out. It came out hard. But I was left with such clarity, it allowed me to finally live.

Why do I say all this? Because, had I never lost my daughter or that job or both, I would not have met this person. And this person is the one friend who has been 100% honest with me and told me when I was being a total douche. When I was completely engulfed in ego. And what I needed to do to get out of it. The best advice anyone's ever given to me, came from her. She told me to practice gratitude. That is when I finally realized what emotion I was left holding onto. I noticed every thought, and replaced it with gratitude. And holy smokes, did I have to replace a LOT of thoughts.

Gratitude. It is a lovely word. It really is. And I remember the morning after talking to her ... waking up angry at the world and what it handed me, and thinking "okay gratitude....I'm mad. But I'm going to try you out. Thank you for shining the sun today. Thank you for my children. Thank you for somehow bringing us money, even though I just lost my job. Thank you for figuring it out for me. Just thank you for providing." And what I noticed was that the more I went on with the "thank yous", the less angry I became. And I swear that shit worked like a charm. Within 24 hours, things were coming to us. Provisions out of nowhere. It just happened.

So, I kept doing it. I was manifesting the crap out of my jobless life. My kids needed summer clothes. I put it into the universe one night, and then BAM, the next day (I'm not lying. Ask my hubby. It's insane) some random house my husband was working on had these two angel ladies bring two bags of clothes and toys for my kids from Kohls. It must have cost $200+. They just met my husband and went shopping for my kids. Strangers did that. I gave back a thank you note and promised to pay it forward, one day, when I could...in some way.

The manifesting will be in a different post. But I wanted to talk about gratitude. It's something that escapes us in this busy life. But it's oh oh oh so uber important and magical. When you practice it, it manifests your life. Not the dull parts, but the sparkly rainbow parts that make you feel like a kid again. It brings magic to the day and keeps you glowing from the inside out. So, Rebecca Reynolds Wallack, thank you for being a mentor in my life. I began this post, not knowing I was going to talk about you, but I am. Because you're a person who, with love, altered my life. I know there are a TON of people to thank in my life, and I promise to get to all of you! But the change in my life started with my daughter and then Rebecca. So, I found it fitting to begin this blog with the major changing points of my life.

For anyone who doesn't know Rebecca, she's an amazing health coach, raw foodie, thai massage therapist, tuning fork afficionado and a friend. Check her out. Full Circle Wellness With Rebecca

 

Rebecca tuning my babies with her incredible tuning fork talents. Look how enthralled they are!

6 month old, Nova, completely zenning out to the vibrations.

Namaste, y'all!